Tips for Throwing a Forced Birth Shower® | Serious?

Who doesn’t love a baby shower sitting around with a bunch of ladies guessing the flavor of the baby food and getting mad at who came up with the idea of ​​naming their son Carbon in the first place? But these days, when our bodily sovereignty is dwindling faster than a flat pitcher of mimosas in a roomful of women whose faces hurt from smiling, sniffing diapers smeared with melted candy bars doesn’t always hit the right note. Face it, some of us will have pregnancies we don’t want, can’t afford, and may not survive. It’s time to switch to Forced Birth Showers® for our siblings, best friends, kids, and co-workers as there’s not much going on outside of the office!

Invitations: Balloons and storks make sense when someone is deciding on the lifetime commitment of raising a child (or twins—Jesus, twins!), but if the guest of honor is just avoiding being a guest of state, opt for something low-key. If you’re spending, you could try serving subpoena-style manila envelopes. Or, if you’re on a budget, send a terse email that says, “Casey is pregnant and the only thing we can do is buy gifts and have a deli tray at my place.” Bring some liquor. Oh, and thanks for voting Republican, Candace.” (Avoid mentioning if this pregnancy was the result of consensual sex — it’s cheesy and will spoil the quiz at the party.)

Decorations: Again, avoid pastels and glitter. Consider camouflage decorations as you don’t want to draw the attention of neighbors who might sell your boyfriend if the pregnancy doesn’t go to term. Plus, if you need to escape under cover of darkness, you can reuse the tablecloth. If you must make balloons, decorate them with the faces of all the state officials and US Supreme Court justices who made this theocratic shit into law for us to memorize and never forget. This later blends into a dart game. Don’t forget a balloon for Candace.

The cake: Even if reproductive rights were fully restored to everyone in the country tomorrow, nobody wants a crazy belly cake or the fondant sculpture of a sleeping baby that we cut into. However, one of those awful cakes featuring a baby emerging from its mother’s body could be a teaching opportunity, provided it’s anatomically correct. What a great way to really get a handle on less likable guests, what a ruptured perineum (call to the rectovaginal septum – stay strong!), bleeding and even an episiotomy – snipping a wider exit in the opening of the vagina to avoid a more Kool-Aid Man-like exit – looks like this. Birth is rarely portrayed in the media as anything other than a dramatic scream and handshake, and the aftermath of a Costco chicken-sized baby being pushed, pulled, and/or cut from the body is almost never mentioned, despite the number of parents who do have difficulty, for example, returning to normal walking, sitting, and bowel movements. And then everything runs smoothly for the last 39 weeks, without diabetes or potentially fatal blood pressure problems. Whatever kind of cake you serve, practice making a file, because in some states even a miscarriage or stillbirth can get you charged with murder.

Games: Here’s a fun one: Stick the egg onto the lining of the uterus. The contestant is blindfolded and thrown around, then dazedly tries to get a small bobble to stick to the wall on the right side of what feels like a womb. Have you, like about 1 in 50 pregnancies, ended up outside the fallopian tube where a fertilized egg cannot survive and you can actually die from sepsis or bleeding? Depending on where you live, this may not be enough to get standard pregnancy termination treatment. There’s also no bobble, no matter what this guy from Ohio says. Much luck!

OK, everyone, get out your phones and see who can delete all those apps that could be tracking your periods and giving you away to the man first. Because if we’ve learned anything, it’s that tech bros don’t care about our privacy. For those who date men, do another round by deleting dating apps and ordering another round of sex toys, because given the risk factors involved and your limited options in the event of an unwanted pregnancy, honey, the price is for one Cock too damn high.

gift ideas: Is the guest of honor Black? Jewelry makes a beautiful gift, especially a medical bracelet that reads, “Just pretend I’m a white woman and treat me accordingly.” It’s a blunt message, but so does the recent study in the American Journal of Public Health, which states that black people are more than three times more likely to die during pregnancy or after childbirth. And while there’s little you can do to address systemic health care inequalities at your party, perhaps an attention-grabbing accessory reminds hospital staff not to downplay or dismiss Black pain and symptoms for a hot second. Listen, they nearly let Serena Williams die from a blood clot in the maternity ward. Not a bad gift idea for brown and indigenous friends either!

give cash. Lots of cash. Unplanned pregnancies are a major driver of poverty for both singles and married people, and maternity leave and child care are hilarious in this country. Not to mention the medical costs (bends over and breathes on his knees for just a minute). A forced birth can really derail educational goals that also lead to a higher income, such as a high school diploma. Or you can pass on your buddy’s Venmo and wait for those anti-abortion activists who harassed you on the way to your pap smear to each rake in a few grand. lol, kidding.

Guests may assist for a flight to a place where a person’s bodily autonomy is protected by law and safe, legal abortion is universally available. Only for a holiday that has nothing to do with health problems. Unless you’re poor, in which case it’s a bus ticket to New York or California, because the coastal elites are obviously not that keen on forcing their citizens to give birth, or even children who are barely in their teens are to propel babies through still-developing bodies.

gift bag: Send people of childbearing age whatever medicines you can hoard, as people are being denied vital prescriptions for pain, depression, cancer, autoimmune diseases, ulcers and more because they could potentially cause a miscarriage. Come on mom needs some arthritis pills!

Hand out cute boxes of custom made bandages that say “Snitches get stitches” as a reminder to those who might cheat someone for the bounty. Say something, candace. look what happens

Above all, focus on having fun. The most important thing is to rally and support your buddy – it’s him who really counts. Well, not as much as a six-week embryo about the size of the Viagra pill that isn’t taken away from a man. But you know, after that. Cheers, ladies!

Jennifer Fumiko Cahill (she/she) is the arts and features editor at the Journal. You can reach her at 442-1400, extension 320 or [email protected] Follow her on Twitter @JFumikoCahill.

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