Some fake Christmas carols for the times we live in

It’s starting to sound like Christmas. But if you feel like these catchy Christmas carols don’t quite capture the modern spirit, here are some alternatives. Enjoy! Or not.

There is no snow!

The weather outside is sunny

Lighting a fire would be fun.

We’re going on a bike ride.

There is no snow, there is no snow, there is no snow.

With the worsening of climate change

It’s like we’re not even trying.

The temperature is not low.

There is no snow, there is no snow, there is no snow.

When we finally kiss goodnight

How will we wonder where the storm is?

We wear such light jackets.

I’m too warm when I go home.

As the planet is slowly dying

And my dear, the temperatures are rising.

Emissions don’t go down.

There is no snow, there is no snow, there is no snow.

Here comes Donald Trump

Here comes Donald Trump, here comes Donald Trump

Straight down Donald Trump Lane.

With Bannon and Junior and all his henchmen pulling the reins.

Warning bells are ringing, children are fleeing, all is not well.

So pack a bag and say a prayer because Donald Trump is coming tonight

Here comes Donald Trump, here comes Donald Trump

Straight down Donald Trump Lane.

He has some insane tricks

Again for Republicans.

Here his lies upset the MAGA boys.

Oh, what a terrifying sight.

So hop in the car and drive far away ’cause Donald Trump is coming tonight.

Here comes Donald Trump, here comes Donald Trump

Straight down Donald Trump Lane.

He’ll come by when he finds out it’s session time again.

There will be no peace on earth at all unless we remove this plague.

So let’s ask the Lord above, there’s no Donald Trump coming tonight.

God bless you disgruntled gentlemen

God bless you disgruntled gentlemen

But please stop yelling “woke up”.

It makes you sound like idiots

Your protests are a joke.

Save us all from goofy boys

Whose heads appear to be made of oak.

Oh please, are you just growing up now?

Fuck you grow up.

Oh please, are you just growing up now?

God bless you disgruntled gentlemen.

Please show some fucking respect.

You think you’re being silenced

You are clearly wrong.

You just think your feelings

Are vital to protect.

I have news you won’t like.

Not a little.

Nobody cares about your feelings… joke.

I heard the screams on Christmas Day

I heard the screams on Christmas Day

The familiar grumbling plays

Early parents woke up, the toy is broken.

No peace on earth, goodwill to the people.

And desperately I shook my head

“There is no Christmas peace,” I said.

The toy was wrong. Mom has a thong.

Upset drowns out this song.

Then the bells ring louder and deeper.

The children collapsed and mom fell asleep.

In-laws are coming, but we’ll survive.

With peace on earth, good liquor for men.

Across the river and through the forest

Across the river and through the forest

We go past pig barriers.

The smell was so strong

As we traveled on

From manure strewn on the snow!

Across the river and through the forest

Oh how the nitrates flow.

The owners are the governor’s donors

So will it be cleaned up? No!

And maybe you can’t stand Christmas music. This bonus track is for you.

Maricopa Arizona

Her name was Kari. She was an anchor.

A shortcut to her hair and an icy, icy stare.

The election, she said, was stolen.

Her ego was certainly swollen.

She set a low, low bar

Across a desert state, she thought she would do great

She had polls and a crazy message

She ran on MAGA hate.

In Maricopa, Arizona

The hottest place east of Pomona.

In Maricopa, Arizona

Power and fiction fueled her addiction.

At Maricopa’s they fell in love.

His name was Donald.

Its jet was gold.

He loved greasy fast food, but he was in a bad mood.

In Mar-a-Lago he summoned her.

But Donald went a bit too far, her campaign was badly marred.

Then accusations flew, democracy broke in two.

There was one vote and a single winner, but who beat who?

In Maricopa, Arizona.

The hottest place west of Pamplona.

In Maricopa, Arizona

Her electoral obsession has delayed her concession

In Maricopa she lost the vote.

(319) 398-8262; [email protected]



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