Big Ten Football Power Rankings: Week 14

Unfortunately, it’s only now that I’ve realized that I’m no better than the turkeys on the college football playoff selection committee, which unnecessarily judges a multitude of football teams, the countless of which will mean absolutely nothing in December.

However, unlike the CFPC, I do so for the dozens of dollars that are thrown at me every two quarters. And of course I benefit from the dozens of women who line up to throw themselves at a Big Time Blogger Boy. After all, everyone likes to bring a writer to meet their parents.

While the Hawkeyes will almost certainly continue their 18-year streak of No Big Ten titles this season, I’m riding a much more impressive streak of 30 straight Thanksgivings spent partnering surrounded by the crotchgoblins of my heavily accented relatives, the as Minnesota grads, find themselves in even greater tryptophan terror than I can ever hope to realize.

I look forward to that time next week, when we’ll crave that sense of gluttony and hubris when — fresh from Hawkeye’s first loss to Nebraska in an and 34 Lustrums – Speculations surrounding Iowa’s 2029 offensive coordinator are flaring up again.

1. Ohio State (11-0, 8-0)

Congratulations to the Ohio State Buckeyes, who are in the unfortunate position of being 8-point favorites over Michigan and putting the proverbial nail in the metaphorical coffin of their literal eventual loss to the Wolverines.

2.Michigan (11-0, 8-0)

I can’t wait for Jim Harbaugh to somehow blame a possible loss for the departure of a guy named Biff from his coaching staff.

3. Iowa (7-4, 5-3)

I’m bloody excited for all the media coverage confirming Kirk Ferentz’s soccer IQ, which is staying on 15 at the blackjack table and a clearly impaired dealer miscalculating his cards and hitting a hard 17 to let.

4 Pennsylvania (9-2, 6-2)

Iowa and Penn State share Minnesota as their best win, but Iowa’s was younger, so I rank higher.

5 Purdue (7-4, 5-3)

I love the prison of my own construction I find myself in, with thousands of dollars riding an Old Oaken bucket thanks to a bet I drunk on Mint Juleps back in April.

6. Illinois (7-4, 4-4)

I was wondering if there was a rivalry where two coaches were more alike than Pat Fitzgerald and Bret Bielema, but then I looked up and saw Lane Kiffin being a coach against Mike Leach.

7 Minnesota (7-4, 4-4)

I enjoy the weariness I see in the Gopher fandom with PJ Fleck, but not as much as I enjoy the fact that there is no one on God’s green earth more competent and willing to fill in those footsteps.

8. Michigan State (5-6, 3-5)

Thinking about where Mel Tucker will spend his off-season. I got an advert for cheap flights to Dubrovnik today but that seems like a word he can’t pronounce.

It is Cabo.

9 Wisconsin (6-5, 4-4)

I can’t wait for Jim Leonhard to do what Kirk Ferentz fears and pack his quarterback’s bags for him this offseason.

Dead trainers go


  1. Tom Allen: I’ve never met a pair of creases he didn’t iron twice.
  2. Pat Fitzgerald: will not accept the results of this election and will claim squatter rights in the porta-potty outside the trailer where they hold post-game press conferences at Ryan Field (this is a real thing).
  3. Mickey Joseph: I can’t say anything bad about him until he beats Iowa.
  4. Greg Schiano: I don’t want to be the one to break the news to him lest I catch a virus that was thought to be dead.

I have the diet and exposure of a 1920’s coalman, so it would be fitting to be killed off by rickets.

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