9 telltale signs your partner is lying and tips on how to deal with them

TV plots are guided by deception and cliffhangers are added to keep us hooked, but there’s a significant difference between enjoying fictional characters who lie and being deceived by real people. The inability to trust another person, especially in an intimate relationship, can be fatal to a relationship.

A lie, no matter how small or harmless, can damage relationships in a split second. Relationships are built on trust and openness, and if you suspect your partner is lying, how can you tell if the suspicion is just in your head when your partner refuses to talk about the matter?

In an interview with HT Lifestyle, Dr. Malini Saba, psychologist, founder and chair of the Anannke Foundation, shares three signs that you may have caught your partner in a lie, even if they won’t admit it:

1. Stories are illogical – When your partner lies to you, their stories may contain inconsistencies. Or they may omit or change certain details when asked twice about the same event. To catch her in a lie after a while, ask her to tell her version of a certain event. When things don’t add up, it’s undoubtedly a symptom of dishonesty. If you’ve spotted contradictions about where they were, who they were with, and what they were doing, pay more attention and be objective when listening to their stories.

2. They are aloof – In a relationship, both parties must be honest and communicate everything. If your partner suddenly becomes withdrawn, changes routine, doesn’t initiate intimacy, or acts aloof while trying to hide something, it could be a red flag. Maybe they’ve been lying for so long that it’s annoying. Sharing less has become a preferred option for you and your spouse. If they answer your questions about their day in monosyllabic words, explore them further.

3. They Make You Doubt Your Beliefs – There’s a problem when your partner can manipulate the conversation to the point that you start questioning yourself and your thoughts. If you’re the target of blame at the end of every encounter, you need to examine the situation more closely to see what’s actually happening. If your partner uses gaslighting to make you self-doubt, it may be because they have a lot to hide. Getting you to question your own beliefs is your best chance of dodging them.

according to dr Malini Saba are the following tips for dealing with a lying partner:

  1. Know the reasons your partner lied to you. When you understand the motivation behind the lie, you can deal with it more effectively.
  2. Communicate with them with patience and empathy. Don’t blame them and avoid passing judgment before you’ve heard them.
  3. Approach the situation pragmatically so they don’t feel offended.
  4. Be wary of tampering and maintain your integrity. You don’t want them to turn the tables and blame you.
  5. When addressing a partner who is lying, you must rely on the facts you possess and use them effectively.
  6. Request direct and specific inquiries. If you leave your questions open to different answers, it will take a while before you get clear answers.
  7. Regardless of the outcome, state that you will not accept lies in your relationships.
  8. Let your partner know that their actions caused you pain. If you cannot tolerate this in the future, you should let them know.

dr Anuneet Sabharwal, MBBS, MD, psychiatrist, founder and director of Happy Tree Hospital, further discussed three characteristics of a lying partner. These include:

1. Too defensive – If your partner gives lengthy explanations of simple things, they may be lying, and this indicates a liar’s guilt. Overcompensating for an untruth makes people defensive. Don’t disregard your instincts as they may point you in the right direction.

2. You are angry – Your partner gets angry over little things when they’re a liar. They can become irrationally angry and lash out if you provoke them. Anger allows your partner to evade your scrutiny and questioning. However, this can be a dangerous tendency that points to deeper problems in the relationship. If you’ve ever thought about when to leave a partner who is lying, this is one of those circumstances that may force you to reevaluate the future of your relationship.

3. They distract you – Your partner who is lying may be trying to sidestep or change the subject. They might try to divert your attention by bringing up other issues and changing the direction of the conversation. And if they can’t, he or she will draw attention to you to avoid the limelight.

dr Anuneet Sabharwal listed some ways how to deal with them:

  1. Be composed and calm. Objectivity is essential for proper and open dialogue.
  2. Know why you want to talk to your partner and be ready for what will happen as a result.
  3. Communicate with them without blaming them. Remember to avoid ambiguity and assumptions at all costs.
  4. Be observant and understanding. Be respectful of their justifications.
  5. Don’t blame or judge. At the same time, it is important to remain objective and not allow yourself to be emotionally manipulated.
  6. Even if you are accused or fired, keep your cool.
  7. Consult a therapist if you wish to discuss the matter with an expert.
  8. Be compassionate but be firm in your beliefs.

Adding to the attributes, psychologist Sukirti Tomar revealed three characteristics of a lying partner:

1. Your physical behavior – When a person is lying and nervous, it is often evident from their strange body language. They will shrug, sweat more, play with their hair, and try to hide behind physical objects like chairs and tables. If you look closely you will see that their body language is odd and that they are hiding something.

2. Keeps his phone locked and away – If your spouse is hiding something, they will restrict access to their phone. You will lock it with a code and even keep it in silent mode most of the time. You instantly lock the phone when you are present and answer calls remotely.

3. Use of filler words – If you catch your partner off guard, they can fiddle around and buy time to fabricate a lie. They will use several filler words, including “hmm”, “uh”, “um”, etc. Due to their nervousness, they sometimes appear absent-minded and restless. Sometimes their tone can become more formal, which could be a sign that they feel pressured to keep lying.

Speaking about how to deal with them, psychologist Sukirti Tomar suggested:

  1. Never hit them right away. First, learn why they lie, how much they lie, and what they lie about. This can help you figure out how to break the bad habit so it doesn’t hurt your relationship.
  2. You shouldn’t regret your spouse’s actions, even if they cheated on you.
  3. Before you confront your spouse about the deception, think about your goal. That way you won’t be easily misled or taken the blame.
  4. Before you confront your spouse, consider how you would react if you confirmed the lie.
  5. Let your spouse know you’re upset about their actions and try to work out the toxicity together.

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